Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Parents wore out my good faith. You brought it on yourselves.

People always concern troll me, assuming that I'm thinking the worst of parents and thus holding them at a distance, being curt, charging them for my time, refusing to engage at all, engaging in a tone they don't like.

You know what? You're mostly right.

Do you know why?

It's because of what happens every time I try to engage with you people in good faith. When I try to be "nice" instead of just laying it all out there for you in words that come naturally to me. When I try to coddle your feelings a bit.

It's never enough for you. Ever. You don't want our help. You want your ass kissed. Let me tell you some stories. Recent ones. We're not talking when I was a pigtailed teenager. We're talking things that have happened in my thirties.

Scenario one:

We're talking about the Disability Day of Mourning. Allistic mommy is upset that it's not in April "for Awareness". Allistic mommy also opines that maybe those parents are autistic and that's why they killed their kids.

That's a horrible thing to say. It's also false.

I mention that I met one of those moms, long ago before she became a fucking murderer, and also I've met the surviving dads of 2 kids killed. The only autistics in the matter were the non murdering parents. In all cases in my small data set, the murdering parent was allistic.

She decided to declare that I said that all allistic parents kill their children. I said NO such thing but she wanted to yell at me and misrepresent me and verbally abuse me, so I said what she wanted me to have said to justify that.

This woman holds a high position in a state autism society.

She has yet to apologize.

I engaged in good faith; she did not.

Or let's talk about today.

I gave a parent the benefit of the doubt. She was talking like no one in the conversation had any difficulties beyond being vaguely autistic. This is not true.

I told her to stop assuming she knew anything about people on the internet beyond that they can type and have internet access.

She continued to do this, after a vaguely but not really productive bit of conversation. So, because I was trying this "good faith" thing, I said that I knew she didn't mean to come off like she's not going to listen to us because we aren't Like HerChild(TM) but that she is and that's a dangerous assumption in addition to being off putting.

Holy hell. You'd think I asked her something really egregious, like to exfoliate her heels one cell at a time. No. I did not. I engaged in good faith and told her what she was conveying that she didn't mean to convey, just for her reference, and that her assumptions were wrong.

Holy. Hell.

She started with "you don't know me". No shit I don't but I know patterns. I thought you were trying to avoid this one.

She was not.

So now she's threatening to abuse her child and blog about it to spite us, she's laughing at causing people seizures and flashbacks, she's trying to gaslight multiple people, she's claiming sarcasm when she's called out on saying straight up abusive things, she came down with schrodingers autism and schrodinger's epilepsy.

And while this one is doing more, to this second, and pushing more immediately, this is what happens every fucking time.

Every. Time.

Yes, I do know you. The second you get all puffy and say that to me, I know exactly how this is going to go. Every time I engage anything like on your terms, this is how it goes.

You try to hurt me. You hurt my friends. You threaten your kid because I didn't kiss your ass enough for your taste.

Every. Time.

You won't pay for my time but you want your ass kissed, you want to be told that nothing you're doing is wrong, nothing you do could be wrong, you want to be told your special, and you want NT word patterns.

And you don't get that? You respond with psychological violence. Every time. You're so transparent about thinking we're subhuman. We aren't people to you, we're resources to use and abuse as you see fit. You're not special; the vast majority of you are like this.

So parents? You want my goodwill back? Fucking act like it. 

NB: complaining #notallparents in my comments isn't acting like it. It's a step away from "I'm going to abuse my kid because I don't like you". So don't fucking do it.

5 comments:

Cattydragons said...

I don't get this in person as much as I get it online. years and years ago, i heard gas-lighty things about how wonderful intervention is and what kind of wall I came out of to be with "the ret of us". It is a dying sentiment where I'm from but fighting death

Emma said...

Funnily enough I'e just read a comment, obviously by the 'allism mommy' whom you mention in this post, basically shit talking you... It was in a Facebook group for autism "support", which I was added to by an admin (another allistic parent of an autistic child) who befriended me on Facebook a few weeks ago. On reading the group description, I immediately removed myself from the group, and also unfriended and blocked that admin; because it included a little list of restrictive rules geared towards pandering to "paaarents" and "not making waves", such as: No fucking swearing, No judging anyone, "we are a friendly compassionate group" or some such thing, and here's the kicker: "NO DEBATING ABOUT VACCINES, BECAUSE IT ALWAYS ENDS UP HURTING PARENTS."
Fuck that!!!

Kathryn Bjornstad-Kelly said...

I agree with everything you said here because this very same thing has happened to me multiple times. Well, minus the "I'm going to abuse my kid and blog it so you have to watch" part. That was pretty traumatizing to read in your retelling of it and I imagine it was extraordinarily traumatizing for you. That woman was behaving frightfully and I hope someone notifies CPS about her threats against her child. You know she's probably abusive if she can overreact that much to a comment like that.

David Jones said...

Who are you?

anautismobserver said...

Neurodivergent K, your blog is currently included on our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the "How do you want your blog listed?" link at the top of that site to personalize your blog’s description.
Thank you.
Judy (An Autism Observer)